>> Wednesday, June 17, 2009
It's 6:00am and I am in Stef's room as she sleeps. The ride up here was uneventful which was an added bonus. Thoughts of a flat tire, pulled over by the police for speeding, an accident can be laid to rest although those thoughts kept me up a little last night.
It was a long night and I woke up a number of times before the alarm clock finally went off around 4:30. I never asked other CDH dads about this day and what they went through. Not because I didn't want to know, but because I knew they wouldn't be able to clearly articulate what they went through just as I struggle to do that now. It's honestly terrifying. I'm not mad and angry anymore. I don't argue with God about it anymore and I don't wonder why we have been thrown so many curve balls over the past few years. I have found some kind of peace and acceptance with all of that. I just worry about my wife and child and what is ahead of them. You can't help but think about what your child is about to go through to live. I remember saying just after we found out we were pregnant how we just want healthy babies. I think we all say that, but take for granted most newborns are healthy and don't really worry about it really. I wish for that more than I ever thought I would. It's similar to how we, as parents, know deep down that we would trade places with our children in tough circumstances. I feel that with such sincerity right now it is indescribable. I wish with all my heart it was me fighting for my life and I could spare Kamryn this experience. I know I can't, but the desire is truly overwhelming.
I wish you all could see just how beautiful and peaceful Stef is right now sleeping. She has been unbelievable through this journey. She has managed the pain, discomfort, and stress so well. She's made it to 37 weeks with over 13 pounds of baby in her. I couldn't be more proud of her and her strength. She is just an amazing woman.
It's just about time to get on with the show as they are getting ready to take us down for prep. I truly can't thank all of you enough for the support, encouragement, and guidance through this journey. We are truly blessed.
We are as ready as we will ever be and expect to win. I look forward to the next post as a proud father of twins.