Just my thouhgts.

Hi everyone, it's Stephanie. What a rollercoaster we have been through, and the girls are only 11 days old. Shawn has done an amazing job of keeping y'all updated. He's also been amazing with helping me at home with Brooke and Hollie. He's a fabulous Daddy and I'm so proud that he's my husband.

Yesterday, I took a break from going to see Kamryn. It was the longest day of my life. I tried to stay busy with Brooke while Hollie was at the water park, and Shawn was at the hospital. I took Brooke to the grocery store with me, and she did so great. It was fun to watch people ooh and aah over her. I just wanted to scream out to everyone, HER TWIN IS IN THE NICU AND SHE WILL BE COMING HOME TO BE WITH US!!!! All I do all day long is look at Brooke and wonder if she feels the same void that we feel by not having Kamryn here at home with us.

Like Shawn said, going up to the hospital and watching her look into your eyes, as if she's pleading for your help, is so difficult. Although, I told Shawn last night, maybe she's looking at us and saying, "I'm fighting hard, just like you told me to". Seeing Shawn post yesterday, I could tell he was hurting. I went over to him and asked if he was okay and that was the first time I'd seen him break down and cry. We just held each other and cried. We both feel so helpless. And then of course, Brooke started fussing... This emotional rollercoaster seems to get harder and harder, and I truly expected it to get easier and easier for some strange reason. I guess the more she comes off of her meds, the more she looks and acts like Brooke.

It amazes me that we have Brooke on a schedule already, and she's such a great baby. She's so easy to care for, and she only wakes up 1-2 times at night. But, I have to wonder, would Kamryn be the same way? Would she sleep right along with her sister? Would she wake up when Brooke wakes up? Would she cry, when Brooke cries? I wonder what it WILL be like having two infants to take care of here at the house. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to that stress and hard work. I long for it. I just feel like I'm getting farther and farther away from that. Yesterday was the first time I truly wondered if she was coming home or not... But, we called late last night and she had 2 really good gases, and we are taking some of my breast milk up there today for her to munch on. I'm so anxious to see how she does with it.

That's all for me for now. Hollie's going swimming with a friend today, while Shawn and I go up to the hospital to visit Kamryn. I can't wait to see her and hold her hand again. We'll take some more pictures and post them tonight.

Love,
Stephanie